The Mail !!

🙂

This emoticon was the only reply i could send back to her email which said, ‘cant think what to say’. This was not the first time when we have reached a point where such words were shot on each other. those days we tend to forgive and forget. ‘okay, lets talk something else’ or ‘why not we talk about our last year trip’ were responses as normal as getting those single lined emails.

Last few moths were quite bumpy. though we have seen worse. our patience have been dropped with age. when she got married, it was only once i had showed a sign of depression. never again. and this was way back. she has been married for more than two years now. we both gave more value to our relation rather than dragging morals of the society.

Loyalty was never in question. she was completely a wife of a charming husband, who was better than me in all aspects. our relation was caged. calls had dropped from daily to random. talks had reduced from hours to minutes. but we both maintained a regularity in that too.

Then a time came when those small talks turned to emails. sharing was almost drowned. but we still tried to maintain emails. me being in a different time zone, replies will be irrespective of the other’s message. my ‘when are you leaving to home?’ will next day get a reply of ‘Good Morning’ and my ‘good morning’ would get a response of ‘you must be sleeping now’ something which was making communication way to uncomfortable.

and then those responses started taking more more and time. i used to wait for hours for her to come office and reply to my previous days email. it would come only after it was almost sure that i must have slept. a part of always said that its not deliberate. other part had started telling me that i was taken for granted.

once or twice i tried confronting her about my frustration. but how far can one go with a girl who is already married. she had said, ‘you will never understand me’. may be she is true, i do not. But i also do not want to be just a ‘good morning’ mail.

when i went back on vacation, i called her, just to inform that there is no more restriction of time zone. ‘would give you a call tomorrow’ she had said at the end of it. after ages, i was going to see her number flash on my phone. it never happened though. i emailed her, ‘you were supposed to call today’

‘I thought you would be busy. ok, will give you a call, but there is a small problem, i did not save your number’ was the reply i had received. It was no big deal i guess. that’s a different case that i even have her mom’s number from which she had called me only once. but that was ok.

‘no problem’ i wrote and pressed the send button. i don’t know what else to reply. i was, i guess heartbroken. but i didn’t feel any pain. it was just suddenly i felt a feeling of disconnect. there was an immediate reply ‘what was that?’ but now i was in no position to click. with a shut sound laptop went to sleep mode.

a mail pooped up today, ‘wishing a happy holi to me and my family’ and i replied wishing her the same.

‘I think you don’t wanna talk to me?’

‘It will never happen’ it was truth. i always wanted to talk to her. i always wanted us to share. i always wanted that we be friends our whole life. but it was not the same anymore. she didn’t knew anything which was happening in my life and she never cared to know. she never shared her life, even after asking. disconnect it was. we were reduced from knowing everything about each other to just a ‘good morning mail’

and then ‘cant think what to say’ mail appeared. I smiled back for good.

How not to embarrass yourself?

I will directly come to the point. ‘Love failure’ was the tag he used and sat beside me. i had already plenty of pending tasks in my hand. washing dishes, cooking and ironing my crumbled shirt. here i was sitting listening to some unsuccessful story of an unsuccessful romeo. ‘I loved her so much’ ‘I loved her like my saraswati’. Just to clear the air, saraswati is his cat’s name and yes, he loves the cat so much.

every time he used the word ‘Love’ i took a peak on the clock. time was racing and i was stuck with the word love. ‘her mother is a b***h’. Well see now it is getting ugly. he kept cussing the girl’s family. i am sure even saraswati would have objected to it.

“let me show you her picture’ holy shit. i thought of telling him that i was not at all interested in the story neither in the heroine of the story. its not good to hurt someone who is already in pain. and how much time would it take? he would show the picture and i will say ‘she is nice’ thats it. five minutes max.

‘Give me your laptop, she is there in my friend list’ sue you man. what the hell, dont you have a picture of hers in your phone? i was going to say this to him but till then my laptop was already in his lap.

After a rigorous seven minutes of search, he turned towards me ‘why i am not able to find her?’ how in gods name would i know? but you see i am a good boy for that matter and also this was a chance to get my laptop back. i took it and searched by typing her name letter by letter. no result.

‘dude, she have removed you from her friend list, its done by using the button called ‘unfriend’  i was sober enough not to smile on him. he kept looking at me. i bit my tongue to control my laugh. he stood up. i looked at the clock. i was late, but not doomed. as i closed the door behind him after saying ‘ i am sorry’ although i meant ‘thank you for leaving’, i ran towards the kitchen.

While putting the utensils in dishwasher, it struck me that may be he really loved her. maybe he should have checked himself before making her public or may be he just needs a book which says ‘how not to embarrass yourself?’

How to let it go?

‘Do you love me?’ i asked her, we dont talk any more, so the feel was expressed on an email. every few seconds i was pressing the refresh button. such replies needs to be instant else mind stops working. mine was already slowing down. after around hundred more refresh, a pop up came, a new mail was received. i opened it with an increased heart beat. ‘i guess you dropped me this mail by mistake’ was the reply. dodging is her middle name and she was doing the same, avoiding. but sometimes i can be damn heavy and will stick to my ground. ‘yes or no?’ i typed as fast as i could and pressed the send button. how difficult is to understand the avoiding itself is the sign that the answer is a no, but you see human mind works weird ways, i wanted to hear it, loud and clear, without any doubts in my mind, i just wanted a straight forward, no, and not the words like neglecting, avoiding and dodging, these words give birth to new word, hope. and i was not going to hang myself from a rope of hope.

‘whats the matter with you today? are you drunk?’ was the next, not with answer but a new and irrelevant question. well not really irrelevant, in fact it was almost like, ‘stop asking me, i am not going to answer’ or ‘stop asking me, i dont love you anymore’ but this all were again my perception of predicting the meaning. i was yet to receive a clear ‘no’. instead of typing again. i just forwarded the same mail again, ‘yes or no?’ by now i was already frustrated, i mean how far can you go? there must be a full stop.

‘Go to sleep, Good night’ was the reply this time. anger has its own way of controlling you, one thing for sure, it never comes out without any reason. try asking a simple question thrice when you dont get an answer, you will know your anger management skills. In my case, the question itself was worth a relation. i wouldnt talk about friendship, cause when you have already crossed the bridge of friendship, then there is no going back. either there is still love or no love. sentences like ‘we will be friends’ are just a curtain.

Sleep was not even in this universe at this time. and wishing a good night is just a formality. i was already determined. ‘you just have to reply a single word, do you still love me? yes or no….’ i replied without acknowledging her good night wishes. i was not even expecting a ‘yes’. but she has to say it, she has to let me know that it was gone. i need to know.

‘I never expected this from you….disappointed’ this was the reply which really hurt. ‘disappointed?’ for what? for asking you that do you still love me? for letting myself know that whatever i feel is just a lie? why cant you just say ‘no’ and free me? ‘never expected from me’ to hell with it. why in the first place you are expecting anything from me? in the name of friendship? if such was the case, no friend would ever behave in such ruthless way. i know its harsh, after all you expect me to behave in a particular manner, and i make you disappointed.

its frustrating, without a clear answer how to let it go?