How to let it go?

‘Do you love me?’ i asked her, we dont talk any more, so the feel was expressed on an email. every few seconds i was pressing the refresh button. such replies needs to be instant else mind stops working. mine was already slowing down. after around hundred more refresh, a pop up came, a new mail was received. i opened it with an increased heart beat. ‘i guess you dropped me this mail by mistake’ was the reply. dodging is her middle name and she was doing the same, avoiding. but sometimes i can be damn heavy and will stick to my ground. ‘yes or no?’ i typed as fast as i could and pressed the send button. how difficult is to understand the avoiding itself is the sign that the answer is a no, but you see human mind works weird ways, i wanted to hear it, loud and clear, without any doubts in my mind, i just wanted a straight forward, no, and not the words like neglecting, avoiding and dodging, these words give birth to new word, hope. and i was not going to hang myself from a rope of hope.

‘whats the matter with you today? are you drunk?’ was the next, not with answer but a new and irrelevant question. well not really irrelevant, in fact it was almost like, ‘stop asking me, i am not going to answer’ or ‘stop asking me, i dont love you anymore’ but this all were again my perception of predicting the meaning. i was yet to receive a clear ‘no’. instead of typing again. i just forwarded the same mail again, ‘yes or no?’ by now i was already frustrated, i mean how far can you go? there must be a full stop.

‘Go to sleep, Good night’ was the reply this time. anger has its own way of controlling you, one thing for sure, it never comes out without any reason. try asking a simple question thrice when you dont get an answer, you will know your anger management skills. In my case, the question itself was worth a relation. i wouldnt talk about friendship, cause when you have already crossed the bridge of friendship, then there is no going back. either there is still love or no love. sentences like ‘we will be friends’ are just a curtain.

Sleep was not even in this universe at this time. and wishing a good night is just a formality. i was already determined. ‘you just have to reply a single word, do you still love me? yes or no….’ i replied without acknowledging her good night wishes. i was not even expecting a ‘yes’. but she has to say it, she has to let me know that it was gone. i need to know.

‘I never expected this from you….disappointed’ this was the reply which really hurt. ‘disappointed?’ for what? for asking you that do you still love me? for letting myself know that whatever i feel is just a lie? why cant you just say ‘no’ and free me? ‘never expected from me’ to hell with it. why in the first place you are expecting anything from me? in the name of friendship? if such was the case, no friend would ever behave in such ruthless way. i know its harsh, after all you expect me to behave in a particular manner, and i make you disappointed.

its frustrating, without a clear answer how to let it go?

Roommate

Recently i shifted to a new apartment. this is the third relocation for me in last six months of my stay in Chicago. This time reason was marriage, not mine but my roommate’s. Irony, one gets married and other thrown out of the home. the other guy was me. so, without any emotional touch, yet again, i found a new apartment, thanks to sulekha, if you know what i mean.

When i entered, i was shocked to see an apartment so clean, tidy and decorated, i mean there must be some sign that the person who stays here is a bachelor, but there was none. advertisement clearly said that the person who lived here was single and not married. still i had my own doubts looking at the shining table.

‘well maintained house it is’ i was not able to resist myself and shot the question within few minutes of hi and hellos. ‘well, its not me’ he replied smiling sheepishly. ‘I thought so, i mean look at you, if i had to point out one ugly thing in this apartment, that will be you’ i laughed in my mind on my thought which was never expressed.

‘actually before you, i lived with a girl’ he said keenly observing my expressions. Being Indian you are always stereotyped and expected to react in a particular manner on some particular topic, of course this one being one of them. You see, Live-in relationships are not so common in India.  But myself being open to all and everything, it was surprising but not shocking and surprising because, i thought which girl fell for such guy. i mean he is not a bad looking one but then you know what i mean. anyway point is, i gave a very normal reaction such as, ‘oh wow, she has done a great job with the place’

He was relieved and moreover exited to share his story. yes, he did. well i wanted to ask why the ad? where is the girl? i mean what happened to your previous roommate? did you kill her like Oscar? but why to turn a happy ending story into a tragic one, i avoided.

after dinner and some chit chats about the neighborhood and some movies, it was time to hit the bed, of course in our separate rooms. ‘you never asked what happened to my previous roommate?’ he bombed me.

‘should I?’ ‘I mean if its not to personal’ i said. ‘Well she got married…’