The Mail !!

🙂

This emoticon was the only reply i could send back to her email which said, ‘cant think what to say’. This was not the first time when we have reached a point where such words were shot on each other. those days we tend to forgive and forget. ‘okay, lets talk something else’ or ‘why not we talk about our last year trip’ were responses as normal as getting those single lined emails.

Last few moths were quite bumpy. though we have seen worse. our patience have been dropped with age. when she got married, it was only once i had showed a sign of depression. never again. and this was way back. she has been married for more than two years now. we both gave more value to our relation rather than dragging morals of the society.

Loyalty was never in question. she was completely a wife of a charming husband, who was better than me in all aspects. our relation was caged. calls had dropped from daily to random. talks had reduced from hours to minutes. but we both maintained a regularity in that too.

Then a time came when those small talks turned to emails. sharing was almost drowned. but we still tried to maintain emails. me being in a different time zone, replies will be irrespective of the other’s message. my ‘when are you leaving to home?’ will next day get a reply of ‘Good Morning’ and my ‘good morning’ would get a response of ‘you must be sleeping now’ something which was making communication way to uncomfortable.

and then those responses started taking more more and time. i used to wait for hours for her to come office and reply to my previous days email. it would come only after it was almost sure that i must have slept. a part of always said that its not deliberate. other part had started telling me that i was taken for granted.

once or twice i tried confronting her about my frustration. but how far can one go with a girl who is already married. she had said, ‘you will never understand me’. may be she is true, i do not. But i also do not want to be just a ‘good morning’ mail.

when i went back on vacation, i called her, just to inform that there is no more restriction of time zone. ‘would give you a call tomorrow’ she had said at the end of it. after ages, i was going to see her number flash on my phone. it never happened though. i emailed her, ‘you were supposed to call today’

‘I thought you would be busy. ok, will give you a call, but there is a small problem, i did not save your number’ was the reply i had received. It was no big deal i guess. that’s a different case that i even have her mom’s number from which she had called me only once. but that was ok.

‘no problem’ i wrote and pressed the send button. i don’t know what else to reply. i was, i guess heartbroken. but i didn’t feel any pain. it was just suddenly i felt a feeling of disconnect. there was an immediate reply ‘what was that?’ but now i was in no position to click. with a shut sound laptop went to sleep mode.

a mail pooped up today, ‘wishing a happy holi to me and my family’ and i replied wishing her the same.

‘I think you don’t wanna talk to me?’

‘It will never happen’ it was truth. i always wanted to talk to her. i always wanted us to share. i always wanted that we be friends our whole life. but it was not the same anymore. she didn’t knew anything which was happening in my life and she never cared to know. she never shared her life, even after asking. disconnect it was. we were reduced from knowing everything about each other to just a ‘good morning mail’

and then ‘cant think what to say’ mail appeared. I smiled back for good.

Not just an Arranged Marriage !!

Background: To understand the real issue here, one should know how we or rather I arrived at this juncture. Myself. A boy from a village in UP, studied in a Hindi medium school till his twelfth standard, moved to city of dreams, Mumbai, for graduation. In the process, my father being owner of a small shop and mother being a housewife, have suffered a lot to fulfill my basic needs. in fact i was fortunate enough get whatever i demanded or craved for, though my demands were always minimum to the core but that’s not the point.

Then time changed. Now I am a consultant working in US and living a different life altogether. In the process, made friends from all parts of India and now making friends abroad. But one thing that never changed was my affection to my parents. With time they have also become little modern in terms of new big house, flat TV, smartphones but my father still opens his shop regularly and my mother still does her household tasks. we talk daily and it seems like nothing has changed.

Present: There are always some logical steps we as a social animals have to take in life. School, College, Job, own house, onsite. I had already crossed all these steps. Next logical step was marriage. i was 28 and my parents were already worried that it was too late. One thing was clear. I was destined to have an arranged marriage. Though till last year i was in a 5 years of courtship with a wonderful girl. But then she loved her parents exactly the same way i loved mine. And who would be a better person than me to understand this. she is happily married to someone her parents loved. you see were the problem lies.

While i visited India for Diwali. Was showered with photographs of girls. some came directly from their parents and some were courtesy of my relatives. My mother was happy to the core and i loved it. As i had to travel back in few weeks, a process of meeting those girls started. i hated it. truly speaking i was no more a guy who could marry someone without knowing her. for god sake i was dating a girl for 5 long years and still was not sure of marrying her. And here i was, sitting and talking about america and my salary and my future plans to some stranger i was meeting first time. I looked at my parents they were so happy in the process at that time it was all that mattered.

Out of three girls i met, by the way all were non-working, two were eliminated immediately, one because she was taller than me and other because she was heavier than me. fault is mine. i am not so tall and practically with no fat at all. Then there was this girl, horrified like hell, not able to speak, not able to see up, one like me, parents asked so she was there sitting among us. My mother was so moved by her nervousness that when her father threw the question ‘so did you like her?’ instant answer she gave was ‘yes’. my father was no different. Yes, i was also asked after that, in front of everyone, i didnt know what to do then. My parents had already said yes. my saying ‘No’ or even ‘i dont know’ would have been considered going against my parents. i knew they would not think that way. but others? i know such decisions cannot be taken on what others think and yes i hesitated. thankfully someone said if you want, you can talk to your mother alone before giving an answer. It looked weird but at least an opportunity.

‘what happened over there?’ I asked, she already knew what she had just done. ‘i liked her so much that it came out instantly’ was her answer. my father copied the same answer. then they realized that they have to ask me as well. so like a shameless person, after saying ‘yes’ to her, we said ‘we will let you know’ way to home, whole journey, they all discussed about her fear, her nervousness, her innocence, her simplicity. they all liked her. just by seeing a scared girl sitting in the next corner of the room.

I came back to US. I told few of my friends about this and they all laughed at me. ‘did she say ‘hi’, ‘namstey’ or directly ‘touched your feet?’ i was stumped already. now our everyday call were about her. my parents wanted an answer for her. and after every call i thought why didn’t that happily married girl showed some courage or why didn’t i gave her enough confidence to show that courage to defy her parents. i guess the same reason. i know how much my parents have struggled to make me what i am today. i cannot defy them, neither could she.

‘Okay’ i had said. My mother is too worried about not forcing her decision on me so several times she would have said, ‘we will not proceed unless you want it’ every time i heard this i wanted to say ‘maa look at me’ but couldn’t. They were happy. Am I being selfish here? They answered all my questions, ‘look at so and so person, they became modern, she will become, she will learn, she will learn english, she will learn computers, she will learn operating phone, she will learn internet, she will learn to watch movies, she will know the songs, she will learn to talk, she will learn learn and learn.

She is an excellent cook. she takes care of whole house. she knows to stitch. she will listen to you. she will never complain. she wont spend all your fortune on designer sandals not even on designer cloths. Isn’t it all everyone wants for marriage? a servant. But believe me, whole middle class society wants exactly the same. My parents were happy that their son was getting a wife who would beat a servant and wont even ask for a pay.

It has been more than a year i said ‘yes’ to them. They have been waiting patiently for my return to India. Meanwhile I can count the number of times i would have talked to her. reasons? she doesn’t have a phone. In age of people chatting on Skype, hangouts and Face-chat. My would be wife doesn’t even know how to operate a smartphone. I try not to let anyone know about her, they ask her picture and only thing i have is a picture taken of a hard copy which her father bought to our home. I dont know what to tell them. In the process i have started lying about her, almost everything. like ‘yes, she is working’ ‘yes, she keeps busy and you can talk to her some other time’ ‘No, she keeps telling me to cut my hair’ ‘yeah she liked the new movie released’ none of the lies is required but just to avoid those large popping eyes, and those laughing expressions.

There are other reasons, like we dont have anything to talk about. all we talk is about the weather, food and how is your father, how is your mother and how is your brother and his wife and his kid and what his kid does when he is in kitchen. and yeah, ‘how am I?’ and how is work? ‘ok, mom is waiting for me in kitchen.’ and that is all. One and a half year and this is what we have talked.

‘Get married, you will have things to talk’ i get this when i try to tell them its not gonna work. I love talking about issues in society, politics, cricket matches, movie reviews, old hollywood movies, new Lorde songs. I maintain two blogs, a twitter handle and a busy facebook account. I write articles, short stories and have a self published book on my name and this is what i talk about. and this is what makes me happy. my family doesnt understand it. they still see me as a village boy earning dollars in US who needs a wife. or i should say they need a daughter in law who fulfills all their requirements. I am not complaining. i cant, i love them, more then anything else. but it hurts me when they are not able to see me and i cant share this with anyone.

Now that I am going to be married soon. I am loosing it. I know I will not hurt her in anyway. she will be my responsibility and i am not a guy who runs away. Only thing is I am not able to hide it. it comes out in one or the other way. then it upsets my mother ‘thats why we asked you and then went ahead’ she would say. ‘tell your friends that you are marrying because of your parents pressure’ all these sentences from her is making it worse.

I guess this article is result of my silence. i have stopped talking about it. and just waiting for the day to arrive. For all you guys and girls who love their parents. They are the one who made you what you are today. They deserve it.

Long weekend phobia

In India i never faced such a crisis. There were few long weekends if not many, every year and no one ever bothered, they planned or they didnt, it was just a matter of choice. people who really want to visit some place will do it anyway, long weekend or no long weekend. 

But here in US it is slight different, call me less adventurous but yes, there are times i just wanna stay back home, read some book, watch some movies and get some quality sleep, those times my mind doesnt even bother if its a long weekend. anyway, point is, here, call it way of living, long weekend is nothing but festival, irrespective of the mood, everyone plans some or the other outing three months back and worst is not yet over, while they plan for their own, they keep asking each and everyone who they meet with the same bloody question ‘whats the plan for long weekend’ dare you answer ‘nothing’.

This phobia is really making me worried. because of incidents happened recently, i mean happening daily, just after the meeting, client shot ‘so whats the long weekend plan?’. in the washroom, while crushing the paper towel, ‘whats the plan for long weekend dude?’ near the coffee machine, everyone to everyone, ‘whats the plan mate for the long weekend?’ i have started asking myself, is it something wrong with me? probably.  

Coming weekend is a long weekend, as we are getting a holiday on Monday for labor day, so continuous three days leave from office, a really really long weekend, isn’t it? say yes. So all of them are busy planning for those three days. well to be true even i am involved in few of not so concrete plans. yeah, there is one for state park in Michigan city. other is to Starved rocks and the third plan is to visit Indiana dunes in Indiana. after all its long weekend.

So whats your plan for the long weekend?  

 

Whatever !!

Gyaan

Religion and marriage !!

it has been two years she got married. Soon to be a mom. Yes, i am one of those blessed people who still share friendship with the one whom i loved. i still love her and what makes me happy, is to see her happy in her life, managing her family and work so perfectly that she can make anyone jealous, i envy her husband, as he is one lucky fellow to have such wonderful wife.

Many a times i think what if we would have got married? what if her parents would have agreed? what if we were more rebellious? would she still be happy like she is today? answer perhaps is, no. Being a Jain, there are various routines and beliefs she follows. and as she got married to a Jain, her husband shares the exact same thoughts. His family is amused when every time they see her going to a Jain Mandir, forcing her husband. everyone loves it.

My Family on the other hand would not be that exited, out Hindu temples are far different. Though nobody would have stopped her from visiting a Jain temple but nobody would show any excitement as well.

Let Temple be a separate matter. eating habits, thought process, food priorities, all needs to be adjusted, either from her side or from mine.

If you are alone its fine. Involvement of families makes it tougher.

Today whatever she does, makes her husband and family more fond of her, they can relate and know what she does is appreciable. But any other religion would not be able to tolerate. Its the nature of all religions, intolerance towards other religions.

Marriages are by nature combination of two families. and if there is a basic difference in the thought process, it becomes difficult to gel.

Though more and more people are becoming liberal, but for a middle class family, inter religion marriages are still a big deal.

have we become immune?

Like every other guy who has a smartphone with whatsapp messenger installed in it, i too woke up this morning and checked my phone for new messages. and like always there were few conversations popping up the screen. mostly messages were in groups of which i was an inactive participant. but two of them were eye catching. one from a very old friend whose message came like after ages. second was again from a friend who was now married but keeps dropping by every now and then, in short we were in touch like every fifteen days.

i opened the first one, ‘Hi Mate, How are you?’ was the message. somehow this ‘Mate’ word doesn’t look very familiar to me. though i am in US, but the word is more like European. which reminds me this friend of mine is in UK for say like almost three years.

I opened the second message. ‘need to talk…its urgent’ now this is something to be acted upon. i picked my phone and dialed her number. she was on another call so i dropped it. first thought was something bad has happened, she was calling everyone.

while i waited for her message, i typed a reply to my first friend ‘Hey…long time….m fine…how are you?’ there was an immediate reply,

‘Good…last week came back from India’

‘Oh wow…so found some girl? marriage plan progressed?’

‘actually, my father passed away’

i was shocked. there was nothing i could reply for at least few minutes. meanwhile second friend’s message came, ‘call now’. what else bad news will be here, i thought. i thought of calling her after some time as i must talk to him first. I could not call him as my US number does not allow me to make call to UK due to my India calling card. so i asked him about aunt and his brother on the messenger itself, it was weird consoling someone via messages. every message lacks emotions and somehow makes you more detached. but i had no other choice. 

I looked at the watch, it was already 8 and i was getting late for office. soon our conversation ended with words like ‘hmm..okay…and take care’ i turned to the other message. and dialed back. ‘Hi…sorry couldn’t call immediately. whats the matter? everything okay?’

‘yes, all is fine, i just need your expert advise on which company should i join? i have two offers. one is paying good but work is hectic, also very less leaves. other one is paying less but lot of leaves and work is also not hectic’

my first thought was what the hell, here is a guy whose father had died and he was like ‘how are you’ and there is this girl ‘call me urgent’ isn’t it weird how the world works, how different people react on situations? i find it weird. well like she said, as an expert i gave her both pros and cons of both the companies but with no conclusion as it was she who has to decide for herself not me. she was satisfied. time was already 8:25 and i was really getting late.

i ran to the bathroom and within few minutes i was all groomed for a reputed US based pharmacy company. while traveling to the office, what was changed? a friend’s father had passed away, other friend was more worried about which job offer to accept. apart from being late for few minutes to the office, what was changed?

here when i thought of penning down this incident, again i thought ‘what was changed?’ then a more relevant question passed by my mind, ‘have we become immune as humans?’ 

Software Engineer’s leave plan

moving on from here !!

There was a time i used to think that this is a life time relation. how many of us can be friends with the one we loved. our friendship was too strong to be broken by the distances and events like marriages. we shared a bond even after she was married. seven years, two of which was after she was hooked with someone else through the social ritual of marriage, is a long time to be with someone. it turns into habit to get rid of it.

past few days there was a weird stress. regular calls and emails were decreased drastically. first i thought work keeps us all busy. it had happened earlier too, but we always managed to take out some time of it. this time it was stretching, long enough for me to think it as a sign, i knew her so well that she doesn’t have to tell me. and when for a single stretch of fifteen days there were not a single attempt from her to contact, i was quite sure that she was now over me, she has been moved on with her life.

only thing which hurt was her silence, which kept me hanging for so long. i made a fool of me thinking that she still wanted to be in touch. now its time, to make myself realize, and to move on. i don’t know how i am going to tell her this. but then i guess, she doesn’t even need to know, or i can say she don’t even care anymore.   

Incredible India !!

Family

Just this morning in office lake i found this beautiful family of swans. two little cute babies were very hyper and their mom has to run behind them.