The Mail !!

🙂

This emoticon was the only reply i could send back to her email which said, ‘cant think what to say’. This was not the first time when we have reached a point where such words were shot on each other. those days we tend to forgive and forget. ‘okay, lets talk something else’ or ‘why not we talk about our last year trip’ were responses as normal as getting those single lined emails.

Last few moths were quite bumpy. though we have seen worse. our patience have been dropped with age. when she got married, it was only once i had showed a sign of depression. never again. and this was way back. she has been married for more than two years now. we both gave more value to our relation rather than dragging morals of the society.

Loyalty was never in question. she was completely a wife of a charming husband, who was better than me in all aspects. our relation was caged. calls had dropped from daily to random. talks had reduced from hours to minutes. but we both maintained a regularity in that too.

Then a time came when those small talks turned to emails. sharing was almost drowned. but we still tried to maintain emails. me being in a different time zone, replies will be irrespective of the other’s message. my ‘when are you leaving to home?’ will next day get a reply of ‘Good Morning’ and my ‘good morning’ would get a response of ‘you must be sleeping now’ something which was making communication way to uncomfortable.

and then those responses started taking more more and time. i used to wait for hours for her to come office and reply to my previous days email. it would come only after it was almost sure that i must have slept. a part of always said that its not deliberate. other part had started telling me that i was taken for granted.

once or twice i tried confronting her about my frustration. but how far can one go with a girl who is already married. she had said, ‘you will never understand me’. may be she is true, i do not. But i also do not want to be just a ‘good morning’ mail.

when i went back on vacation, i called her, just to inform that there is no more restriction of time zone. ‘would give you a call tomorrow’ she had said at the end of it. after ages, i was going to see her number flash on my phone. it never happened though. i emailed her, ‘you were supposed to call today’

‘I thought you would be busy. ok, will give you a call, but there is a small problem, i did not save your number’ was the reply i had received. It was no big deal i guess. that’s a different case that i even have her mom’s number from which she had called me only once. but that was ok.

‘no problem’ i wrote and pressed the send button. i don’t know what else to reply. i was, i guess heartbroken. but i didn’t feel any pain. it was just suddenly i felt a feeling of disconnect. there was an immediate reply ‘what was that?’ but now i was in no position to click. with a shut sound laptop went to sleep mode.

a mail pooped up today, ‘wishing a happy holi to me and my family’ and i replied wishing her the same.

‘I think you don’t wanna talk to me?’

‘It will never happen’ it was truth. i always wanted to talk to her. i always wanted us to share. i always wanted that we be friends our whole life. but it was not the same anymore. she didn’t knew anything which was happening in my life and she never cared to know. she never shared her life, even after asking. disconnect it was. we were reduced from knowing everything about each other to just a ‘good morning mail’

and then ‘cant think what to say’ mail appeared. I smiled back for good.

cross country dilemma

Responsibility, dependency, attached strings, whatever you call it, makes drastic impact on your decisions and plans. priorities are deciding factor in such cases. Dilemma arises when priorities clashes with one another. such life affecting decisions are hard to make, harder to face.

Being in a different country does affect you and your family. my case is completely different but when i heard his story, i felt that i myself end in the same situation in coming days. he was sent to Chicago in June 2012. everything was moving like a perfect movie. great job, higher salary, work form client location in US, growing carrier, happy parents, proud girlfriend who was soon to become a wife, it was like a dream.

Soon situation started turning around. family pressure started increasing by each passing month. every time he asked for leave, he was told ‘client’ is not agreeing. February 2013 he got two weeks holiday to go back, get married and travel back with not a single day exception. plan was to travel back with his wife, all preparation was done, visa was applied, girl left her medical carrier and for the sake of married life agreed to travel on dependent visa. when everything seemed to be fine visa got stuck in embassy. they were told some verification is required and it might take some time. with no other option, he traveled back alone. every time embassy gave the same answer. days started passing and then months. After June his parents started asking him to come back, they said people have started talking, they say you are having an affair or the marriage was against your will and what not. he decided to travel back and started asking for release from the project. every day was passing like a struggle, either explaining the situation to family or begging clients and managers for release from the project. it took three more month before they agreed to let him travel back to India. not even 15 days were passed his wife’s visa got cleared and within a month he traveled back to Chicago from a different project. things started coming back on track. next five months passed peacefully, but then his wife started asking to go back. whole day sitting at home was making her mad, her carrier has already taken a back seat. she was fed up of the loneliness, no one to talk, no one to share, just wasting and passing one day by other. Now he was completely clueless of what to be done. because of his visa, company will not let him stay in India and his wife and family wants him back in India.

After listening to him i thought, what is the point? you are neither here nor there. now when i am here and my marriage is getting planned, i wonder what will i do in such case? what option is left? just leave the job and find something in India? may be yes. for now we will cross the bridge when it arrives.

.

If its a matter of choice !!

Hell yeah !! marriages are made in heaven and God knows there is no such thing called heaven, if a God also exists. No, I am no atheist, Yes, i diverted from the topic.

First of all there is no comparison between a cell with a lock and a hall with open doors, as long as your crime partner is allowing you to walk free. its the same thing with marriages and live in relations, live in relations which end in a marriage is an ideal scenario. but again you are so much confident that after putting a lock, you will still be able to feel the same hall like freedom. spurious.

The hype, word ‘live in’ gets is limited. I stay here in Chicago and hardly find anyone even lifting his eyebrow on this. reason? non existence of society. they are not bound to society, its individual like i said in one of my earlier post ‘American culture, Indian culture‘. All hell doors get loose only in India (well, i am not sure of other countries, never been there).

each and every relation, needs an approval from society. things are changing in urban areas, but that is only till no one knows about it. I am still to hear a case where parents know about the live in relation of their child and are cool about it, No, none. our generation, for sure, is not the one who is going to reap the fruit.

On the contrary each and everyone of them want their child to get married. you dont even have a choice to remain unmarried as well and hell if it is a love marriage, holy cow, you are worst son your father ever got. arranged marriage, and as my friend here says, yes ‘the good boy theory‘ works perfectly. what a hypocritical society we live.

i can keep cursing, i can keep blabbering about it, forever, but when you ask which one is better, as long as the girl does not slap you with a charge of rape after your breakup, Live in relations are best way to be together till you both feel you can no longer live together.

How to let it go?

‘Do you love me?’ i asked her, we dont talk any more, so the feel was expressed on an email. every few seconds i was pressing the refresh button. such replies needs to be instant else mind stops working. mine was already slowing down. after around hundred more refresh, a pop up came, a new mail was received. i opened it with an increased heart beat. ‘i guess you dropped me this mail by mistake’ was the reply. dodging is her middle name and she was doing the same, avoiding. but sometimes i can be damn heavy and will stick to my ground. ‘yes or no?’ i typed as fast as i could and pressed the send button. how difficult is to understand the avoiding itself is the sign that the answer is a no, but you see human mind works weird ways, i wanted to hear it, loud and clear, without any doubts in my mind, i just wanted a straight forward, no, and not the words like neglecting, avoiding and dodging, these words give birth to new word, hope. and i was not going to hang myself from a rope of hope.

‘whats the matter with you today? are you drunk?’ was the next, not with answer but a new and irrelevant question. well not really irrelevant, in fact it was almost like, ‘stop asking me, i am not going to answer’ or ‘stop asking me, i dont love you anymore’ but this all were again my perception of predicting the meaning. i was yet to receive a clear ‘no’. instead of typing again. i just forwarded the same mail again, ‘yes or no?’ by now i was already frustrated, i mean how far can you go? there must be a full stop.

‘Go to sleep, Good night’ was the reply this time. anger has its own way of controlling you, one thing for sure, it never comes out without any reason. try asking a simple question thrice when you dont get an answer, you will know your anger management skills. In my case, the question itself was worth a relation. i wouldnt talk about friendship, cause when you have already crossed the bridge of friendship, then there is no going back. either there is still love or no love. sentences like ‘we will be friends’ are just a curtain.

Sleep was not even in this universe at this time. and wishing a good night is just a formality. i was already determined. ‘you just have to reply a single word, do you still love me? yes or no….’ i replied without acknowledging her good night wishes. i was not even expecting a ‘yes’. but she has to say it, she has to let me know that it was gone. i need to know.

‘I never expected this from you….disappointed’ this was the reply which really hurt. ‘disappointed?’ for what? for asking you that do you still love me? for letting myself know that whatever i feel is just a lie? why cant you just say ‘no’ and free me? ‘never expected from me’ to hell with it. why in the first place you are expecting anything from me? in the name of friendship? if such was the case, no friend would ever behave in such ruthless way. i know its harsh, after all you expect me to behave in a particular manner, and i make you disappointed.

its frustrating, without a clear answer how to let it go?

Roommate

Recently i shifted to a new apartment. this is the third relocation for me in last six months of my stay in Chicago. This time reason was marriage, not mine but my roommate’s. Irony, one gets married and other thrown out of the home. the other guy was me. so, without any emotional touch, yet again, i found a new apartment, thanks to sulekha, if you know what i mean.

When i entered, i was shocked to see an apartment so clean, tidy and decorated, i mean there must be some sign that the person who stays here is a bachelor, but there was none. advertisement clearly said that the person who lived here was single and not married. still i had my own doubts looking at the shining table.

‘well maintained house it is’ i was not able to resist myself and shot the question within few minutes of hi and hellos. ‘well, its not me’ he replied smiling sheepishly. ‘I thought so, i mean look at you, if i had to point out one ugly thing in this apartment, that will be you’ i laughed in my mind on my thought which was never expressed.

‘actually before you, i lived with a girl’ he said keenly observing my expressions. Being Indian you are always stereotyped and expected to react in a particular manner on some particular topic, of course this one being one of them. You see, Live-in relationships are not so common in India.  But myself being open to all and everything, it was surprising but not shocking and surprising because, i thought which girl fell for such guy. i mean he is not a bad looking one but then you know what i mean. anyway point is, i gave a very normal reaction such as, ‘oh wow, she has done a great job with the place’

He was relieved and moreover exited to share his story. yes, he did. well i wanted to ask why the ad? where is the girl? i mean what happened to your previous roommate? did you kill her like Oscar? but why to turn a happy ending story into a tragic one, i avoided.

after dinner and some chit chats about the neighborhood and some movies, it was time to hit the bed, of course in our separate rooms. ‘you never asked what happened to my previous roommate?’ he bombed me.

‘should I?’ ‘I mean if its not to personal’ i said. ‘Well she got married…’

Bedbug

First word i heard from my roommate was ‘bedbug’. yes, a person after being drained by his fucking asshole clients, comes home and finds out a bedbug roaming around his apartment, without even paying rent. ‘you just think that it is ‘a’ bedbug, there might be hundreds of those fuckers and we might not even know.’ he shouted. ‘yeah, yeah, got it’ was my response to an already harassed by the tiny creature, guy. he was relieved that i share his pain.

‘Now what?’ after a while, when i sought no calm on his face, i shot this obvious question, with no intention of getting a reply. ‘we have to find those bastards, else they will be all over us’ i am dead, i thought. and next moment he was all in the field, searching each and every corner, moving each and every bit, hitting everything which was hitable, i don’t know if such word even exists.

I let myself put for a while, but for how long you can park when others are already on race track. i jumped and was leading from the front, doing more or less same thing what he was doing but with more noise, distraction you see. here goes the table, there goes the bed, here goes shoe rack, there goes chair. in all just two of us and world war.

After battle of Normandy, finally we were both shot in head by the tiredness and the failure, i mean what the fuck, not a single piece of shit was found which would at least look like a bedbug. i just threw myself on the sofa which now has moved to the other corner like continental drift, eyes closed so that i would never know that we have already drifted and when i opened my eyes, i realized what world learns only after a war is over. ‘war is bad’ be it with an other country or with a bedbug in your own house.

‘war is bad’ he said, seeking sympathy and more of a support and help to clean up the mess which we have caused to this perfect place. ‘okay, not so perfect’. we both smiled and stood up, after all a new war was ahead.