How to let it go?

‘Do you love me?’ i asked her, we dont talk any more, so the feel was expressed on an email. every few seconds i was pressing the refresh button. such replies needs to be instant else mind stops working. mine was already slowing down. after around hundred more refresh, a pop up came, a new mail was received. i opened it with an increased heart beat. ‘i guess you dropped me this mail by mistake’ was the reply. dodging is her middle name and she was doing the same, avoiding. but sometimes i can be damn heavy and will stick to my ground. ‘yes or no?’ i typed as fast as i could and pressed the send button. how difficult is to understand the avoiding itself is the sign that the answer is a no, but you see human mind works weird ways, i wanted to hear it, loud and clear, without any doubts in my mind, i just wanted a straight forward, no, and not the words like neglecting, avoiding and dodging, these words give birth to new word, hope. and i was not going to hang myself from a rope of hope.

‘whats the matter with you today? are you drunk?’ was the next, not with answer but a new and irrelevant question. well not really irrelevant, in fact it was almost like, ‘stop asking me, i am not going to answer’ or ‘stop asking me, i dont love you anymore’ but this all were again my perception of predicting the meaning. i was yet to receive a clear ‘no’. instead of typing again. i just forwarded the same mail again, ‘yes or no?’ by now i was already frustrated, i mean how far can you go? there must be a full stop.

‘Go to sleep, Good night’ was the reply this time. anger has its own way of controlling you, one thing for sure, it never comes out without any reason. try asking a simple question thrice when you dont get an answer, you will know your anger management skills. In my case, the question itself was worth a relation. i wouldnt talk about friendship, cause when you have already crossed the bridge of friendship, then there is no going back. either there is still love or no love. sentences like ‘we will be friends’ are just a curtain.

Sleep was not even in this universe at this time. and wishing a good night is just a formality. i was already determined. ‘you just have to reply a single word, do you still love me? yes or no….’ i replied without acknowledging her good night wishes. i was not even expecting a ‘yes’. but she has to say it, she has to let me know that it was gone. i need to know.

‘I never expected this from you….disappointed’ this was the reply which really hurt. ‘disappointed?’ for what? for asking you that do you still love me? for letting myself know that whatever i feel is just a lie? why cant you just say ‘no’ and free me? ‘never expected from me’ to hell with it. why in the first place you are expecting anything from me? in the name of friendship? if such was the case, no friend would ever behave in such ruthless way. i know its harsh, after all you expect me to behave in a particular manner, and i make you disappointed.

its frustrating, without a clear answer how to let it go?